a new stage

and i thinks i likes it.
i like the people, a lot. both of them. ha! debbie, my coworker, and i swapped at least half of our life stories this week, while still managing to get a lot done. i'm sure we'll swap the other half next week. she's awesome. my boss kathy is helping her 8 year old son make a fire vortex for his science fair. they're going to create an enclosed room outdoors complete with music and a disco ball to scatter the light. they. are. awesome.

so far i've mostly been drawing what i'm given, which is fine. though i definitely did contribute a little here and there, including a total revamp of a basement apartment plan, which my boss totally dug. she helped smooth a few things out, so it was a total team effort. liking the idea that these projects go quickly. we got about 5 calls for new work this past week (!!!) and everyone is freaking out, especially because most of our clients are prego. of course they want it all done by the time the baby gets here. um...yeah.

the biffles joined us for a lovely saturday night. dov and cliff spent studio time leaving eve and i to blab away for hours. she is a truly wonderful person. both of them are. i feel that they have just plopped right down in our life and opened their hearts and arms to us. such bright, fun people, such kindness. despite the hours between us, we have seen each other countless times in the past few weeks (yay vacation) and i hope we will continue on this path. it's so nice to have good people around, especially ones who don't mind joining in on a dancing dork-out.

oh- and cliff made me a wand on his 3D printer. i am officially the dream house fairy!!! already planning a halloween costume, thought maybe i should aim for purim??

infertility
definition: sterile: incapable of reproducing; "an infertile couple"
usage: infertility specialist; infertility clinic; infertility class

i am very uncomfortable with labels. i always have been. i don't know why they are so frequent or why they even exist. brands- forcing us into little boxes that hold us in and predefine who we are, thereby decreasing our need to define ourselves. i have no need for them in my life. in fact, they represent confining, negative energy that i have tried to shed.

and now, if i choose to pursue a course in western medicine, i am giving in to the definition. i am admitting defeat before i have even begun to fight. each time i attempted to make an appointment for "fertility counseling" i was corrected, by a very pleasant and helpful voice on the other end of the telephone line, that i meant "infertility counseling". oh, i see. so instead of getting advice how to become fertile, i am fighting the evil disease of INFERTILITY. and when the doctors CURE me of this DISEASE, they are GOD-LIKE in their achievements. it will be to THEM that i owe my (hopefully future) pregnancy. not to the receptiveness of my body, the rhythms that i, as a woman, can create.

i think, instead, i will take my misguided, slightly imbalanced body and try to nourish it- give it what it needs to find itself for the first time. everyone is saying i have time on my side, and i think i am going to use it. there is hope inside me, hope of fertility. my body has shown me the signs that it is possible- the chance is there! if only i can harness it- readjust my rhythms to the way they work better. for this i will have to cut out most pollutants and return to a simpler way of eating. it will, in fact, take a lot of effort. but that will be a labor of love of myself- not a battle against my womb.

i have a little time to give it a chance. i know somewhere deep down i may have to give in, sometime in the future. but right now i am not ready. my heart is still held high, ready to expand and open to change. without ego of presuming i know what will happen, i surrender to the unknown, and to getting to know myself in a new way.

i really wish sometimes i'd come across belly dance in high school. back then, i had such determination and discipline.

when i was a sophomore, the color guard that i was a part of graduated almost their entire rifle and sabre lines, leaving those spaces open to newbies. most of my friends decided to learn both pieces of equipment and thus made the new lines. i decided sabre was enough; i was intimidated by the weight and difficulty of controlling a rifle with my lanky limbs. at the start of the season everything went as planned. i was not a rifle, but all of my peers were. unexpectedly, it made me sad. i decided right then that i wanted it, so i practiced hours a day above and beyond what was required (how i had time for it all i will never know). we had 3 hours a day of practice almost every day. i kept at it- strengthening, improving, begging friends and instructors to stay after just a few more minutes to critique me.

halfway through the season the instructor assigned me to the rifle line in place of a senior who was in fact, terrible. i had won- it was my greatest victory. so clear cut and simple. work hard and you will succeed. if it had been belly dance, i'm sure i'd be able to hold a shimmy by now...sigh.

went to the national women's rugby championships today to watch a friend from nyc do what she does best.   i watched her make an interception and run almost the full length of the field to finally pass to score.  it was thrilling!  so impressive.  the crowd was cheerful and super friendly.  i liked the rapport between the players both on the field and off.  there was a lot of respect and a whole lot of love.  everyone was there for the love of the game.  tackles were followed by a helping hand and an obvious inquiry to make sure everyone was ok.  not knowing a thing about the sport until today i had no expectations.  i found myself floating along happily with friendly people in the afternoon sun on treasure island.

sidenote: nyc played berkeley for the 1st place seat.  nyc won!

neck is jacked.  i think practicing with objects that put me in a forward neck position was a bad idea.  must search for a nice, rear-sitting vase like mira's for next time...or at least at next month's alameda flea market.  at least this has heightened even further my bad posture and may force me into consistent action on it.

in other news my hair yesterday was the best it's been since i stopped shampooing.  rinsed with bs+acv, followed by regular herbal conditioner (mainly to cover up the scent- must get cinnamon oil stat).  it was soft and full and lovely with only the little jojoba in the tips.  excited by my new regimen.

took my first bellydance balancing class yesterday.  so much fun!  who knew putting shit on your head and dancing around under it would be really enlightening?  i felt like stabilizing my head helped me feel my body so much more.  sidewinder was suddenly both logical and fun.  startling. want to find an object that pushes my head posture back like mira's vase did.  it was so grounding.

also went surfing this week for the first time.  got a ton of saltwater down my throat, but it was all fun in the end.  love the feel of the waves- the power- pushing you into shore.  didn't stand yet, maybe next time.  neighbor-friend proves to be a relaxed activities companion.  very chill, humble.  preliminarily planning mexico.

juggling a million activities this week as well.  surfing, visiting with old friends, freelance, gardening.  exhausted, but fun.  kinda want to hide from the world though...

the worst part of unemployment so far has been the lack of regularly scheduled meals.  with no incentive to get my ass into the kitchen (because i could go at anytime really), my eating habits have turned, well, pathetic.  i sit at the computer for hours, completely sucked in whether it be to cataloging intern hours or playing silly game on facebook, and my tummy grows emptier and emptier.  i realized it was getting bad yesterday and make an effort to eat some cereal after yoga, but it was already noonish- way too late for a first meal.  last night, it came to a head.  after an entirely delicious home-cooked mexican meal full of protein (made by our lovely neighbors), i got that pressure-like feeling that usually connotes massive hunger (due to low blood sugar issues).  except that i had consumed a decent if not large amount of food.  great.  i went to bed feeling like a balloon, only being able to sleep because of the excess of wine i'd consumed.  woke up a bit better, but still icky.  today i'm trying to start right- small amounts of food often (hard to do on shabbat- usually it means big amounts of food often :-)  we'll see how it goes- i have to discipline myself from now on.  no sitting down at the computer unless i have some food and drink (did i mention being dehydrated too?)  jebus, what am i doing to myself.

in other news, i'm going surfing tomorrow in santa cruz with one of our neighbors, while her husband and dov ride their bikes from south san francisco to meet us there.   SO excited :D

woke up at 330 last night and failed to fall back asleep. probably because i was still drunk from hardly strictly and beer at sushi dinner (ebisu=yum).  did this bother me?  not particularly.  after all, i can take a nap midday if i want.

i did get up and go to drill bellydance with a friend. relaxing bike ride on a beautiful day.  good drilling.  came home to eat in the sukkah then file for unemployment and start some of the mass amounts of laundry piled up from a weekend of yet another holiday and in laws. 

all in all, i was rather giddy.  so much better than the dread of last week. 

hm, can:t figure out the privacy settings on this, so i guess it stays public.

came down with a cold yesterday in kyoto.  yuck.  still managing to have a good time due to claritin and the arrival of friend todd.  yay!  otherwise poor dov would be stuck with quiet me conserving energy and getting cranky.  the todd makes it all more even.

wandered beautiful alleys and temples today and yesterday.  kyoto is more cosmopolitan than i imagined, but the old charm is still there if you look in the right places.  amazing back alleys with stone and wood walls.  iron fastenings and twisted trees.  no geishas yes, alas.

this guest house is the least good of all the ones so far.  but the room is big and our own bathroom is a nice change of pace.　　and really, at 60 usd a night it:s hard to go wrong. 

back to miyajima a few days ago: i pet a deer.  yep, a chill, relaxing deer.  on the rear haunches.  so cute!"!!  and we saw a million monkeys.  must be birthing season because there were sooo many cute little babies suckling, playing, and getting rides on mom:s back or belly.  i really really love the animals!  it was like being in the monkey cage at the zoo. this was at the top of Misen mountain on the island.  took a cable car up steeply and walk all the way down (omg).  both dov and i having calf issues now. my knee gave out about halfway down, but a walking stick proved helpful.

off to rest a bit before dinner with todd.  really having a wonderful time here.

how wonderful to be reminded of what love can do.  it can make people radiate with joy.  it can illuminate the soul and redirect the brain.  it makes us celebrate the wonder of life, the kindness of strangers, the connection that can and does happen, and the sweetness and tenderness it brings out.  i find weddings to be amazing affairs, especially when they are as they should be- truly a celebration of the couple.  shira and eli are an amazing pair, and there was nothing but celebration, friendliness, and love sunday night, as it should have been for them.  

it was impossible not to feel the love in the air.

shira radiated light as a callah (hebrew for bride) should.  being a callah is considered the most special time possibly acheivable in judaism.  when a woman is about to get married, she is supposedly as close to G-d as any person can be- a sort of holy climax.  supposedly women are more spiritually open to begin with, hence them receiving this special gift.  

while i don't, as a rule, subscribe to what "holy" people say about religious, seeing her brought back memories of my own experience.  whether by truth, suggestion, or some other reason, i felt closer to "god" than i have ever been.  there seemed no boundaries between what flowed through my body and the rest of the universe.  i felt every joy, every smile, every rejoicing, as though it was my own.  along with this i also felt every sadness and thus had to shut myself off from negativity for several weeks prior to the wedding.  even the suggestion of sadness would send my empathetic soul writhing in fits of tears.  it was almost like being a child- naive- experiencing life for the first time in all it's overhwhelming nature.  the love of my dov, my family, friends, and community lifted me up in a tidal wave of energy.  as we stood under the chuppah receiving all of that love and at the same time inscribing ourselves within the context of our ancestors, i have never been so high.  when dov broke the glass http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_wedding#Breaking_the_glass it was as though my soul catapulted back to earth in a split second.  i was suddenly on my feet again and grounded in the reality of my surroundings.  i feel so honored to have gone through that experience, authentic because it was my own.

i also felt honored to be given a blessing from shira during kaballat panim.  i didn't realize that a blessing from the callah is a traditional thing to do- it makes total sense.  and what a blessing it was to be reminded of the good she sees in me, and the love she sees me bringing to the world.  it is so easy to forget.

omg i passed all of my written exams.  only some annoying paperwork and the oral left , til i become an architect. WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

i went to get lunch at the cheeseboard and bring it to mel, who is leaving for nz for 2 weeks.  during the excursion:

1. i pulled up at an intersection next to a car.  i look over.  the 30-something male passenger is staring at me as though nothing is happening.  i see the driver taking hits off a pipe.  classy.
2. i turn right on cedar.  i am behind what is obviously a driving lesson.  we are going 18 mph on a 25 mph road.  we are waiting a full 3 seconds for each stop sign.
3. the driver turns (thank goodness).  i am now behind an old person going exactly the same speed.
4. at the cheeseboard there is, as always, quite a line.  it is moving quickly, even as a large group of friends deems it time to cut in with the one guy they know at the front.  thanks.
5. in all the commotion and introductions, they fail to realize they are being called to order.  again and again.  the counter guy finally looks up and says "does anyone want to order pizza today?" 
6. i walk to the front of the line and order half a pie.  he mis-hears, gives me a whole pie, and takes my 20.  "oh no, half a pie please".  he hands me back 10 and a full box of pizza "have a happy birthday!" he says with a smile.

yep, everything is normal.

every night i take a little walk down the block and breathe in a little more of california.

i watched part of this old house yesterday because i miss the seasons.  wasn't even interested in the project (the house was hella ugly).  but there they were, with their cute boston accents, hands in pockets, strolling about the lawn in fall clothes while the leaves changed colors around them, and i just couldn't turn it off.

saturday:
morning run around the park with sit ups, stretches...3/4-1 mi
1 cup choc soy
yogurt +granola +raspberries
south beach snack bar
pita and humus...?
there must have been more food than this.
1 beer
1/2 peachy drink

sunday:
wii fit hula hoop- cardio and abs in there.  approx 5 min. of intense work haha
3 non-dairy blitzes
pita and humus
other random grazing...
bbq dinner: drumstick, fish, 1/2 hot dog, small piece of steak
2 slices (!!) cornbread w/honey, potato salad, gespacho (yum)

monday:
speed walked 3.6 miles
casual lunch walk .5 mi
breakfast: yogurt/honey breakfast
lunch: beet salad w/goat cheese and walnuts
1/4 cup protein shake
dinner: sauted tofu w/leftover whole grain rice and asparagus

tuesday:
1 cup choc. soy
9:00  whole grain bagel, lox, cream cheese, avo, tom
yogurt w/granola (small) leftovers
lunchtime flocking (not much exercise there, but body movement at least)
l: turkey club sandwich
1/2 piece biscotti
1 mile walk @ lake merrit
1/4 cup protein shake
dinner: pasta w/squash and broccoli...and bruchetta...and wine
2 chocolates

wed:
biked 3.6 miles
lunchtime run: 2.25 miles (whole aquatic park!)
dance class
1 cup choc. soy (emergency)
9:00 :whole grain bagel, lox, cream cheese, avo, tom
10:30 banana
12:00 odawalla bar
12:45  1/2 turkey club, salad, 1/2 choc cookie
2:20: 1/2 turkey sandwich
1/4 cup protein shake

someone chatted me up on gchat today just to tell me she was in love:M:I so wanted to share it with you
we've only met once, chatted a few times several months ago.  and yet, by some miracle, i get to feel the love pouring out of her today, renewing my faith that love is abundant in the world.

some days it's good to be me.

bbq last night at a+m's. it was so satisfying in every way.

first of all, aaron and myshelle put out a huge effort to make sure the entire meal (with the exception of the experimental alligator) was completely kosher/dov friendly.  even the delicious cornbread baked by a's sister myla was vegan.  we are such a pain in the ass to bbq for and they totally take it in stride.  i think it might be the definition of good friends.

second of all, the company was rad.  a+m are of course fun and easy to be around.  i also got to bond with myla, a's sister, whom i've only met once before several years ago.  we quickly realized that we are very much on the same page in many ways and made it a point to try to hook up again soon.  and a's half bro nuri- also very fun and charming.  and myla's flaming friend ryan, boyfriend wes.  all great, chill folks.  didn't hurt that i had extra attention from a+n for the sexy shirt i was sporting.

and the food rocked.  complete gluttony.  ridiculously good chili-lime chicken, fish smoked on a cedar board, bit of yummy steak and hot dog, aforementioned cornbread with creamed honey (!!!), potato salad from the freshes oraganic box potatoes- oh and the friggin' gespacho.  i could have drank my weight in that easily.  came home happy, tipsy, and full.

perfect ending to a lovely weekend.

being naked and swimming.

i have always loved taking my clothes off. so freeing, this return to the natural state. as much as i like clothes, their coziness, style, etc., every few months i have an intense longing to disrobe and run around naked outside (the house just doesn't do it for me). and it's not about being seen or unseen. in fact, unless it's a lecherous gaze i'm trying to avoid, i could really care less. case in point undressing in front of a crowd of fully clothed hikers at the lake yesterday. there they were, doing their thing; there i was, doing mine. it wasn't a show or a presentation, just a coincidence of two paths as i slipped into the cool, but not too cold water of the lake to bask in the pure feeling of it all.

there is something about natural bodies of water. the smell, whether it's ocean or clean, fresh water, absolutely delights me. the feel of the water on my skin is exhilarating. i feel like i'm flying. suddenly by breasts, instead of burden, are actual flotation devices. i might be growing in appreciation of the fresh water lake every year. the ocean is still my true love, what with added buoyancy and the rhythmic waves creating movement and sound to play with and delight in. but the calm of the lake, untouched by man-made machines, beckons me more now than ever for a bit of moving meditation.

since the warm weekend a few weeks ago, i've been absolutely dying to get in the water. it seems every winter i forget, and every summer i'm reminded. must make more time for swimming, naked or not.

as an aside, this correlates with a lot of build-up-and-release i've been noticing in my life lately. wondering how much it has to do with my slightly obsessive personality...

i was spending time with a dear friend last night who started talking about love and marriage and how changeable we are as people, casting doubt on the longevity of marriage, or at least on the plausibility of being happy long term in one. her point was that there really is no way to gauge how much we're going to change over the course of a lifetime, and whether or not we can change together. if we do grow apart, it's probably best to move on while trying our best not to hurt the one we were with or ourselves in the process.

while i see her point, this lead me to ponder love and especially marriage quite a bit last night. i think the goal is, by the time we get married, to know ourselves enough that we find a partner who is truly compatible. and by compatible i don't just mean is on the same sleep schedule or likes the same kind of food. for me, the goal was to find someone who brings out the best in me- whom i consider a positive influence and is, in a word, complementary. i feel like if you find a partner that brings out the things in you that you like about yourself (which are more fundamental than capricious), then you set yourself up for being able to weather the storms. hopefully they understand the core of who you are, and will support you through life's changes, and vice versa. as i say to my sweetie when we talk about change, "it's a long life," meaning, who the hell knows what is going to happen. the hope is that we can support each other through all sorts of changes, both internal and external. setting a precedent where we move on when the going gets tough, or just different, may or may not be the most fulfilling in the long run. when i look at older people, who've been married a long time and are still happy with each other, it just makes me want to cry with happiness. i know the road isn't easy, but if it works out, i think it's probably the most fulfilling.

maybe it's just because i see my parents going there, and i want to as well. i know there were long bouts of depression, anger, poverty, carelessness, unemployment, yearning, etc. (and plenty of things i'm sure i don't know about). but here they are, after most of the rough (or at least complicated) parts, happier than they've ever been.

i can't believe i waited so long to schedule my (hopefully) final written exam. took general structures last week on thursday. have no idea if i passed... only have to wait 6-8 weeks to find out :P came back to office to schedule lateral for end of month, only to find all appointments filled past next friday. since i'll be on a plane to vegas on friday, thursday night it is. 1 week to learn an entire exam. and work. right. i'm supposed to be good under pressure, right? alright, it's on.

spent the whole day studying. at home this morning, in the library this afternoon, at home some more this evening. mission accomplished. i'm starting to know how much i don't know. after tomorrow night (goal: finish second chapter) i'll have a panic attack, but for now, i feel rather accomplished. if i fail this test, it won't be for lack of effort.

can't remember the last time i was home alone on a saturday night. can't say that i mind really... time for me. something i'll have precious little of in the next week.

oh right- and T-5 days til vegas. fuck yeah.